A RECAP: The first time that I held Wisebaby, I didn't cry. I did feel like my heart was about to leap out of my chest and do the happy dance that my feet, numb from an epidural, couldn't perform. That feeling of a happy heart has repeated itself over and over again in the short time that I have been a parent.
Your heart needs to be made of steel, willing to withstand challenges unconditionally. Your heart must also be made of softer stuff, ready to melt at the mere thought of your child. Your heart will need to be strong in order to adjust to life with a new and overwhelming identity; you do not discard your former self, but instead you subjugate it to an all-consuming identity overnight. Your non-parent self is still in there, but it has taken a permanent backseat to the little babe cradled in your arms.
I'd like to discuss some of the things that require(d) a great deal of courage for me, and I realized that it might need to come in multiple parts, owing to the fact that there is a lot to say and having a babe makes my time to blog sparse. I plan to break it down into the following parts for now: Courage to Conceive, Courage in Pregnancy, and Courage as a New Parent.
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Pregnancy, especially your first, requires a lot of courage. From the moment that you find out you are pregnant, you are bombarded with information that could freak the hell out of even the most steely. You learn about how you could easily miscarry in the first 20 weeks; the statistics are positively frightening. Up to 20% of women who know they are expecting experience miscarriage.
Once you're freaked out of your mind that you could lose the baby you already love more than words can explain, you start to learn all of the ways you could damage your baby in sometimes unmeasured and often irreparable ways. Your doctor swears you off of many medicines that you have grown to know and love. I lost ibuprofen, which sort of makes my world turn on its axis since I suffer from two bad knees and chronic sinusitis. What's a girl to do without her most formidable weapon?
Then, you hear about the dangers of certain foods. The list was astounding to me. I knew that I'd have to avoid raw fish, which makes sushi a bummer, and alcohol--bye, bye, margaritas, wine, and (most sadly) beer. Then I tragically discovered that I also had to give up unpasteurized cheese--do you know how many delicious things use unpasteurized cheese?--and limit my tuna fish sandwiches to once a week, which was difficult as I craved tuna fish sandwiches my entire pregnancy.
"Quit Zumba and tap and running," says my OB, "all that twisting and bouncing is a fall hazard." There goes my favorite forms of exercise for winter months.
Once you start telling people you are pregnant, things get even hairier. This is when you get to hear every horror story about being pregnant and delivering a baby possible. I always countered with my mom, who gave birth to my brother in the front seat of a Chevy Cavalier, which helped, but it didn't stop me from sitting up at night worrying that my epidural wouldn't take, like my sister, or that I might have a serious case of appendicitis that requires an emergency C-section and appendectomy, like a friend from growing up.
Oh, and I don't even get me started on the "My morning sickness was all day sickness, and I puked four times a day my entire pregnancy" stories. Vomiting is THE WORST.
IS YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE SKY ROCKETING YET?!?! Good, because that can cause you to go into pre-term labor. ***Evil cackling ensues***
All of these anxieties can hit you before you even get to the good stuff, before you even feel or look the slightest bit pregnant, which, of course is when things really require courage.
The first time I went to Motherhood Maternity was positively frightening. I avoid the only local mall that has a Motherhood store in it because that is where my students shop, but I decided enough was enough. Even though I was still being private about my pregnancy with my students, I had to try to sneak in and out of the maternity store unseen. Once I was in, I thought that I would relax, but then the sales ladies made fun of me for shopping in the Plus section, which I didn't even know was a thing in maternity wear. I had no idea what size I was, or what I would need or want when my belly was bigger. I even tried on one of the bumps, which just freaked me out more. Holy hell! my body was going to look like that?
About the time that I had conquered my fear of a belly band and my burgeoning bosom, it was time to sign up for classes at the hospital. You can choose to go in blind and ignorant, which might work for some people, but Jeff and I went the other direction. We decided that "Knowledge is power" in getting ready for the biggest change of our life.
Classes were when the scary factor shoots up exponentially. Prepared Childbirth prepares you to know how horrible child birth can go. Baby care reminds you that you will have to care for a creature that wants to eat every couple of hours--measuring from the START of the feed, eep! Infant CPR/Safety/First Aid frightens you with the horrible ways that your home and the wares peddled at baby stores can kill your baby. Breastfeeding makes your realize that you're going to have to figure it out on the fly, and there is no way to prepare for it. Don't even get me started on Car Seat Safety! I'm such a horrible snob now about how tight to strap your baby into the carseat, and I probably won't let Wisebaby ride facing forward until he's forty.
In short, I was more scared coming out of the classes than going in. No one is ever prepared to be a parent, and that was made abundantly clear to me while I was trying to become prepared.
The list of things that required courage during my pregnancy could go on and on, but that's not really helpful to anyone who is or may become pregnant, nor was it helpful to me.
A few thoughts that helped me have heart to face the daily challenges of pregnancy included the following:
- We tried so hard to Conceive Wisebaby, and I can't go back on it now, so I might as well relish this experience. It may be the only time I ever get to do this.
- Childbirth has to happen, so there is no point in fearing it.
- Childbirth is how we all got here for thousands of generations, so it's be proven that it can be done.
- Likewise, caring for a newborn and breastfeeding have all been accomplished for thousands of generations, without the help of modern science or Dr. Google, and most often by people stupider and less familiar with developmental psychology than myself and Jeff.
- Most importantly, God put it in my heart to be a parent, and He will sustain me through the trials of pregnancy, childbirth, and the dreaded fourth trimester.
In the end, everything has gone super smoothly from the moment we Conceived until now, except for my migraine freak-out trip to the emergency room that turned out to be no big deal.*** Who knows, if I hadn't had the heart to stay calm in the face of stretch marks and a dilating cervix, maybe my blood pressure would have skyrocketed and caused me to go into preterm labor, ruining my super smooth pregnancy? Regardless, I write all of this to say to anyone who is or may become pregnant, "Have heart. It will be what it will be, and it is ok to feel this way."
***I thought that I was having a stroke which was super scary at the time and required no small dose of courage to keep from shitting my pants and demanding that I stay overnight at the hospital [maybe a story for another post?].
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