Mindful of my emotions

I started crying tonight in between our last feed before Mommy and Daddy go to bed and pumping. Jeff was shaving, and so instead of being able to hand off Wisebaby to him for burping and swaddling, the duty fell to me. I realized at that moment that the SwaddleMes--so handy--and other swaddling blankets were either in the laundry or the nursery, and that the Pack and Play needed a new sheet. Of course, I didn't want to put down the sleeping angel for fear of his 10-Midnight screaming fest from several days in the last week to commence. To make matters worse, my top was still hiked up from nursing, leaving me exposed in a very maternal way, and I felt sort of like a piece of livestock at that exact moment.

I was frustrated, but I had to remind myself that it wasn't anyone's fault, especially not Jeff's. It would be easy to blame him--why didn't he shave earlier? why didn't he notice there weren't any swaddling blankets or sheets for the appointed hour? why wasn't he there to tend to me when I was feeling vunerable. It would be easy to blame the baby--why can't you put yourself to bed? why do you cry for no reason? why don't you wake during the day and sleep at night as God intended?

I have to be mindful of the flood of emotions and remember that the post-partum period is ROUGH. I'm exhausted from making a baby, a process that started eleven months ago for us. I'm exhausted from recovering from delivering a 7 lb 3 oz, 19.5 in., watermelon and healing from that trauma. I am exhausted from being up every few hours. I am exhausted from constantly feeling like I have no idea how to do basic Mommy things--how do you refill a diaper pail? Play with a baby? Read diapers like a fortune teller?, etc... I am exhausted from nursing--really you can't eat enough to keep up with this physical energy sap. I am exhausted from the pressures if trying to be the best mommy possible.

I can't let myself get bitter about the shortcomings of myself or Jeff during this period. I have to be mindful of the exhaustion so that I can have a good cry and then appreciate all of the little moments that we worked so hard to make a reality.